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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22990849">Sentinel Instincts</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee'>Nadja_Lee</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Sentinel (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>BAMF Jim Ellison, Blair Gets His PhD Degree, Falling In Love, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, POV: Blair Sandburg</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2006-11-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2006-11-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 07:21:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,113</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22990849</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Blair’s keeping a private research journal on Jim. Through the years his entries reflects his changing perspective. Goes slightly AU at the end – also in regard to episode timelines.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jim Ellison/Blair Sandburg</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Sentinel Instincts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Ok….this has GOT to be my last plot bunny! Damn, this is annoying. I haven’t had plot bunnies for months and now the fifth in less than a week. ‘shakes head’</p><p>Thanks so much to Nancy who kindly offered to beta this even though she’s not into the Sentinel fandom. Thanks so much, lov *hugs*</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>Sentinel Instincts</h1><p>Name: Blair Sandburg, B.A, M.S.</p><p>Project: Sentinels in the 20<sup>th</sup> century and beyond.</p><p>Subject: 56</p><p>Subject name: James J. Ellison</p><p>Subject status: Full Sentinel</p><p>Report status: Private, unofficial journal. Not for publication.</p><p>Use: Thoughts and ideas while in the field. For details refer to official study report.</p><p>Date: 28<sup>th</sup> September</p><p>I found a subject with all five senses heightened. This will truly be able to carry my research forward.</p><p>Subject is a police officer with a military past. These professions reflect the Sentinel’s instinct to protect his tribe, in this case his birth town and country. I wonder if there is also an instinct to serve? By default a Sentinel must rely completely on his companion, his Guide. Because of this Sentinels can be warriors, but possibly not chieftains. I must investigate this hypothesis.</p><p>Date: 01st October</p><p>After a somewhat unorthodox day I am now an observer with the police department so I can freely study my subject.</p><p>Personal note: I marvel at the stupidity of criminals. I am known for my talent at…shall we say covering the truth? I can dish out a good cover story in 2 seconds flat and deliver the lie without even flinching. Still, how anyone could believe I would be able to fly choppers and would believe I had been in Desert Storm is beyond me. I would barely have been out of my teens at the time, and I was at University when I was 16. There wasn’t exactly time. I was raised strictly anti military, but even without knowing that I kinda thought my whole appearance and attitude screamed anti guns, anti military…all those things. As said…the stupidity of criminals.</p><p>I really hope my subject has a few more marbles to move around. Otherwise this study could be a little dull. After all I need to observe him almost constantly, and me being me there’ll be talking….</p><p>Date: 03rd October</p><p>Subject has difficulty concentrating and zone outs are regular. Subject often zones on his hearing, secondly on his sight. More tests must be made to conclude if this means more control of the other senses or if it’s simply a coincidence.</p><p>Subject often reacts with irritation and anger when he loses control of his senses. There might be an interest in analyzing why a need for control is so important to him.</p><p>Date: 05<sup>th</sup> October</p><p>Subject was previously married, reflecting the instinct for mating and reproducing. However, subject has no offspring. This urge for procreation should be strong in a Sentinel, as the tribe would need the Watchman’s unique genes to be carried on. More research in this area will be needed.</p><p>Date: 24<sup>th</sup> October</p><p>Subject is extremely difficult to profile psychologically. He doesn’t reply to questions concerning his past if he at all can avoid it. Very frustrating.</p><p>Date: 07<sup>th</sup> November</p><p>Subject has agreed to let me move in with him. It’s easier to observe him like this.</p><p>He has many house rules. Leftovers from his military days or purely a Sentinel’s desire to keep his domain clean from the millions of bacteria and pollution only he’ll be able to see, smell or feel?</p><p>Date: 12<sup>th</sup> November</p><p>WOW! He saved me. Jim saved my life.</p><p>And he didn’t dispute that he was now my ‘blessed protector’, destined to care for me and protect me for the rest of his life. I wonder if this easy acceptance of such responsibility reflects his Sentinel instinct to protect?</p><p>Date: 17<sup>th</sup> December</p><p>Personal note: Jim’s house rules are driving me crazy! I know he’s a sentinel and need things a lot cleaner than other people and I know of his military background. Yet understanding why the need is there is not the same as being able to deal with it.</p><p>Why couldn’t my main subject have been sweet, beautiful and female????</p><p>Date: 20<sup>th</sup> December</p><p>Every day I feel like I learn more about his abilities. He’s able to tell when someone is lying for example.</p><p>His zone outs are rarer but seem to happen more often if I’m not near him. Is there a connection to my proximity? I must test that theory.</p><p>Also, his behaviour towards me has become more protective. It seems to be instinctive many times. For example when we drive he’ll pull out an arm to hold me back in my seat if we turn quickly or sharply. When we walk on the sidewalk he tries to always walk to the side of the cars; the most ‘dangerous’ side. I don’t think he realizes he does these things.</p><p>There might also be a possessive edge to his more and more frequent touching of me. It would signal to other Sentinels that I’m his and no one else’s. If another full Sentinel existed this theory could be tested. I must investigate more.</p><p>Date: 07<sup>th</sup> January</p><p>The Guide. The companion to the Sentinel. The one who takes care of him as he takes care of the tribe.</p><p>It is unexpected but I do believe my proximity to my subject has meant that I have become his Guide. It’s a fascinating prospect; to be a part of the dynamics of this ancient bond between Sentinel and Guide. I hope I will be able to keep my objectivity despite of it. Though as far as I can tell the most instinctive behaviour lies with the Sentinel. I am certain I can keep my academic perspective.</p><p>Knowing I fulfil the Guide role a lot of things makes sense. I believe his protectiveness for me, his Guide, is stronger than towards other people in his ‘tribe’. Though he’s concerned and protective of everyone he does seem to be even more so when it comes to me.  </p><p>Date: 27<sup>th</sup> January</p><p>I have discovered another part of his protectiveness. His senses seem to rest on me. If my heart rate quickens he’ll ask me if I’m ok. It seems to be something he’s not even aware of. I tested this and found he noticed my elevated breathing even when in the middle of doing something else.</p><p>Date: 11<sup>th</sup> February</p><p>Personal note: Sometimes he really annoys me. So stubborn and irritating! Why couldn’t my subject have been just the least bit scientifically gifted? But no…I get stuck with a throwback that thinks everything can be solved with guns or muscle!</p><p>Date: 12<sup>th</sup> February</p><p>Personal note: Ok, my entry from yesterday wasn’t quite fair. He has proved to be a quick thinker and a good leader, more often than not taking charge of situations. Guess my mentor is right...a part of me really does still believe I’m the only one who has a clue about anything.</p><p>Still, it’s like we’re from two different worlds. Very different worlds….</p><p>Date: 18<sup>th</sup> February</p><p>I have decided I need to separate Jim’s reactions into two categories:</p><p>Sentinel related</p><p>Military related</p><p>The two of them connect on some points, like the urge to protect and the way of a warrior. The residual effects from the military mindset are also what make Jim careful with how much information he reveals, how he walks or stands. How he scans every room he enters for the first time to check for possible dangers and escape routes. How his bed is always made so perfectly, as if a drill sergeant was going to come by and approve it. I also think his distrust is connected to his military background and his background with covert operations. His education as a medic in the army seems more related to his Sentinel genes, the instinct to protect and care for his tribe, than his military connections.</p><p>Date: 20<sup>th</sup> March</p><p>Jim seems to be sensitive to more medicines and chemicals than I thought. I wonder what will happen if he’ll ever need surgery? What if the drugs won’t make him go under? What if they make him go too deep?</p><p>Date: 27<sup>th</sup> March</p><p>His control has improved immensely and his abilities seem to be growing. He can now piggyback his senses on to each other, making his sight lead his hearing for example.</p><p>Date: 28<sup>th</sup> April</p><p>Jim went to college. Apparently he has a bachelor’s degree in military history and American history.</p><p>I feel silly now for all the things I said to him, thought about him. I don’t think I act superior but sometimes I probably do; it’s a hard habit to break since from age 6 I already outthought many people several years older than me. But man…he should have said something!</p><p>I think I’ll have to add this to the military list. I have tried pulling his military records but most of it is classified. I guess that explains his ‘need to know and you don’t need to know’ attitude about almost all aspects of his life: They taught him well.</p><p>Date: 17<sup>th</sup> May</p><p>I’ll need a new category.</p><p>Family.</p><p>I didn’t know his father was still alive. I didn’t know his father knew of his abilities and made him repress them. On the other hand his father doesn’t sound as if he’d win any parent of the year awards. Being cold, distant and strict is one thing but to, purposely, deny his son his abilities when he knew he had them and then just after having recently lost his mother….</p><p>I cannot help but wonder that if Jim can repress having witnessed a murder, what else may he be repressing? And do I even want to know? Would he even want to remember?</p><p>Personal note: I feel angrier with Jim’s father than I have anyone. I keep seeing a young Jim, vulnerable and trusting, being disappointed and hurt again and again – betrayed by the very people who should have protected and cared for him.</p><p>I need to let it go. I’m letting this go. I don’t know why it bothers me so much….</p><p>Date: 02<sup>nd</sup> august</p><p>Jim is able to speak and understand the language of the Chopec Indians, Quechua, fluently, after having lived with them for only 15 months a couple of years ago.</p><p>This can mean only one of two things:</p>
<ol>
<li>He is extremely gifted when it comes to learning and remembering languages. I speak several myself, but if I don’t use one for some years, hear it or read a book in that language, I’ll have to relearn it. The fact that Jim didn't need a refresher with such a foreign language as that of the Chopec tribe demands further investigation.</li>
<li>His ability to understand Quechua can be related to him being a Sentinel; like rediscovering a mother tongue always held inside but never realized. If this is so, then the hypothesis would state that he would be able to learn all ancient civilisations’ languages in which there are reports of Sentinel warriors equally well. This must be further investigated.</li>
</ol><p>Date: 14<sup>th</sup> August</p><p>It has been some hard months. Jim has lost a lot of people in his life starting with his mother but his friend Danny really hit him hard. I feel for him. Not as a Sentinel, but as a man - as my friend.</p><p>Maybe I should add yet another dimension to this study and include a psychological study. Repression, guilt, a constant need to always win; to prove himself, difficulty with trust…it’s all classic abandonment and child abuse or neglect issues. I am however amazed at his self-control. He has such strength yet uses it so delicately.</p><p>Which has also made me think…why does he think it so important to be so fit? I’m all for health but he seem almost obsessed with staying physically strong. His psychological profile would indicate that various degrees of neglect or physical or sexual abuse, in his childhood or military days, would be a possibility that could explain this behaviour. People who have been victims often try to build various barriers around themselves, mental and physical, to be less of a target.</p><p>Date: 18<sup>th</sup> October</p><p>This is starting to get ridiculous. Now I’ve just discovered Jim has a brother. A little brother. If he can keep so much secret what else is hidden in his mind? I cannot help but think that he really would make the perfect secret agent.</p><p>He should have strong protective instincts towards his brother; protecting family should be a prime concern for a Sentinel. Neglect in his childhood must have interfered with this prime function. In nature a mother never leaves a child; she’ll protect her offspring even till death. Having had a mother who leaves, not caring to keep in touch, as well as a cold, maybe even physically abusive father…that might have destroyed the instincts for keeping a close family connection. </p><p>It would be interesting to study Jim’s brother to see if he also has heightened senses…. or maybe they are simply dormant. If it is genetic, then if his father’s side doesn’t have the genes then maybe his mother’s does? I wonder if he even knows his grandparents….he doesn’t talk of them but then he doesn’t talk of much of anything personal. This in itself would indicate there are few positive things to say; it’s a normal human defence mechanism not to speak of things we don't wish to relive.</p><p>Date: 12<sup>th</sup> November</p><p>Jim was elected cop of the year again. I feel so proud. My friend’s up there. My friend.</p><p>I wonder if his tendency to always strike to win is from his family history, his military background or a survival instinct of a Sentinel? I should investigate this more.</p><p>Date: 07<sup>th</sup> December</p><p>I don’t know when it happened. It shouldn’t have happened. I mean he’s stubborn and pigheaded and….and a military man despite it all. He’s everything I’m not. He’s authority personified; soldier and cop. He’s everything I was raised to view with distrust and caution. Then why do I love him?</p><p>I didn’t even know I did before I started noticing how I smile back at him or try and stay near him, how I enjoy all the times he touches me…which he does a lot.</p><p>I wonder if his tendency to touch me is a Sentinel’s instincts…I wonder if my attachment to him is a Guide’s instinct? It would make sense if a Sentinel and Guide would also be a couple since it works best if they’re always together. Yet in our case that would disrupt the reproductive instincts of a Sentinel…maybe to the level that such a connection cannot be made?</p><p>Personal note: I so don’t have time for falling in love…certainly not with my straight ex-military roommate! I just need to get out more…shop around…yes, that’s it.</p><p>Date: 13<sup>th</sup> January</p><p>Man, I thought I had lost him there! We were doing routine investigation, suddenly he heard a noise and instead of telling me to move, probably afraid I’d be too slow, he knocks me out, catches a bullet in his shoulder and fires his gun, killing the attacker before he himself even crashes to the floor.</p><p>Personal note: I never felt I belonged anywhere. I feel…at home with him.</p><p>Date: 15<sup>th</sup> September</p><p>Personal note: Ok, my dating around hasn’t worked. It just seems to annoy Jim and I still love him but at least he doesn’t seem to notice. On the other hand I guess after I’ve been running after every other woman we pass why should he?</p><p>Man, what am I to do about this? When did this all become so complicated?!</p><p>Date: 18<sup>th</sup> December</p><p>Personal again: I’m drawing this out. I’m overstepping deadlines and missing my turn-in dates. When did I lose my objectivity in this? No, I didn’t lose it…I just began to care too much for him. Yes he has saved my life countless times, and yes he’s a Sentinel but…it’s more than that. I’ve begun to view him more and more as a man, a person, an individual, a friend, and less as a scientific and psychological study subject.</p><p>Date: 12<sup>th</sup> April</p><p>Personal: I didn’t see it before but I do now.</p><p>It’s him. It’s the whole deal. The complexity of him. It’s the small scarred child inside the man. It’s the soldier inside the Sentinel. The sentinel inside the cop. It’s the wounded man inside the protective shields he has risen. It’s the enigma that’s him.</p><p>That’s what I love.</p><p>Date: 14<sup>th</sup> September</p><p>Personal yet again: I can’t keep delaying this decision. I’m afraid if I finish my dissertation then Jim would have no reason to keep me around. Never imaged I’ll feel like this. Getting my doctorate has always been my life long dream. Yet that shouldn’t distract me for what I need to do. I have to either finish this study or move into another field.</p><p>Date: 06<sup>th</sup> October</p><p>I need to make a decision. After the episode with Lee Brackett it has become clear that at least some government agents know what Jim is. I can vividly imagine what the government could use his skills for.</p><p>To protect him I need to act now. Either I end this thesis or I change my focus….</p><p>If my research goes public, anyone with half a brain would quickly figure out that my ‘secret’ subject, the full Sentinel I describe, can only be Jim, and with my notes they’ll be able to control him – putting him into or pulling him out of zones and the like as they please.</p><p>Date: 08<sup>th</sup> January</p><p>I have found another full Sentinel! Amazing. I never thought this would happen.</p><p>I need to study her further…best I don’t tell Jim. He might get possessive if he knew I was near another Sentinel.</p><p>Date: 26<sup>th</sup> January</p><p>Something is up with Jim’s senses. He’s acting edgy and territorial. Can it be the approximation of the other Sentinel?</p><p>Date: 09<sup>th</sup> February</p><p>There is no doubt now: Alex, my second Sentinel study, has all the gifts of a Sentinel but none of a Sentinel’s true being and instinct. Her abilities came to her in isolation…in prison. She’s fierce and dangerous, using her skills for her own gain. She attacked me, killed me…I cannot go into it now. Need a lot more therapy myself for that.</p><p>Deep breaths….back to the topic at hand.</p><p>A Sentinel killing a Guide, even a rival Sentinel’s Guide, breaks one of the fundamental rules for a Sentinel. Her disregard for life is astonishing. It’s clear there is rivalry between her and Jim over control of the city, and I see now that it must be her conflicting nature, a Sentinel with an evil heart, which has Jim confused.</p><p>Date: 18<sup>th</sup> February</p><p>Rivals or not Jim and Alex are the only Sentinels I know of, most likely the only Sentinels alive on Earth. It’s basic nature, basic biology, that there, despite their conflict, should be a pull, a mating urge and call between them that neither of them would be able to control.</p><p>Date: 28<sup>th</sup> February</p><p>I think I understand now why Jim was able to leave the Temple of Sentinels, stronger than ever, while Alex was put into a coma, a major zone, she most likely will never awake from.</p><p>Sentinels are, by their very nature, protectors. They uphold life; protect it. While free will dictates they can choose evil, doing so would go against their most basic make-up…their instinct to protect and serve their tribe. All his life Jim has followed the path of light, Alex the path of darkness. Despite hardships in both their lives, Jim easily and from early childhood, embraced the responsibilities to serve and protect; probably starting with his little brother. In the end choosing to do so as a Sentinel was more a deepening of oaths he had already taken and upheld than anything else. Alex on the other hand chose her own interests and safety above others contrary to a Sentinel’s instincts and what Jim has lived by his whole life. There’s no doubt that Jim would risk his life, lay down his life, to protect those he cares for…but more than anything else, what’s most important is that he’ll do likewise for anyone.</p><p>Date: 07<sup>th</sup> March</p><p>Regarding 09<sup>th</sup> of February note: I am not sure what to write here…I was killed; drowned. I was dead. And Jim brought me back.</p><p>I need to look at this professionally; I can’t let my fears and emotions distract me.</p><p>I’ll propose the following hypotheses:</p>
<ol>
<li>As a Sentinel Jim is able to bring his Guide back from the dead. Perhaps with certain restrictions and time limits as the body will need to be able to function after life has been returned to it.</li>
<li>As a Sentinel Jim may be able to heal, including bringing back from the dead, his Guide. Again with certain restrictions.</li>
<li>As a Sentinel Jim has the power to connect to things others cannot fathom. This may include spirits…also those about to cross over. That would mean he’d, with restrictions, be able to save anyone.</li>
<li>The same line of thought as above but this time including the full spectrum of healing.</li>
</ol><p>Tests need to be conducted to verify any or all of these. However the implications of any of these theories are beyond compare. If he were able to not only bring me back from the dead but heal me as well it would make me virtually immortal, as long as my body stays intact, for as long as he still lives. Furthermore if he has the power to do this with anyone that leaves a moral dilemma…could he, should he, save and/or cure the sick and dying? How would he choose whom to save? Denying this gift to all but me, as evidenced by my return, would constitute a choice to put more value on my life than others. I'm not sure I’m ready to go down that line of thought at this point. </p><p>Date: 11<sup>th</sup> March</p><p>I need to investigate the symbolism and the meaning of spirit guides. Do they reflect the person they represent?</p><p>Jim’s spirit guide is a black panther. Panthers are associated with: strength, protector, warrior, danger, grace, playfulness, fierce, being unforgiving to its enemies, noble…afraid of water. The colour black can have many negative meanings: night, darkness, evil, death, depression, secrets….yet black can also have positive meanings. In China it was associated with North and water (though it was not thought of as positive; simply neutral). In some African states it was associated with rain and thereby positive. Black as a colour in the West is seen as timeless, stylish and a symbol of power. Jim himself possesses some catlike reactions and instincts, including a distaste for the open water. He also has the big cat’s grace, hunting skills and other of its instincts and ways.</p><p>Jim says my spirit guide is a gray wolf. A wolf has been associated with these traits: caring, strong, family orientated, nest builder, loyal, companion, wisdom. Grey is associated with autumn, industrialism, ashes (in religion) and unnoticed people. Grey is also associated with intelligence (grey matter of the brain), magic (for example Gandalf, the wizard, in the Tolkien books), middle ground/compromise or consensus seeking (stands between black and white) and is also shown to describe situations in which there is no clear right or wrong.</p><p>According to Jim, Alex’s spirit guide was a spotted jaguar. Her jaguar would have the same symbols as Jim’s. Her colours, they were yellow and black, in a spotted pattern: yellow has been associated with cowardly behaviour. In old England yellow also represented a mental illness; in southeast Asia yellow was a royal colour and commoners were not allowed to wear it. Yellow has also been associated with liberalism. The Yellowknife people were a First Nations tribe. Traffic lights turn yellow to signal a warning of danger should one proceed. A yellow card in many physical games indicates a warning for that person. Black has the same symbols as above and spots can signal uncertainty or otherwise imbalance.</p><p>For Alex’s case it’s as if her spirit guide shows the conflict between what a Sentinel should be (tribal connections, protector) and what she was (warning signals in her colours so other Sentinels knew she wasn’t one of them).</p><p>Jim’s and my own spirit animal seem to pretty accurately reflect our personalities and positions.</p><p>From this quick analysis there seem to be a connection between the spirit/soul of a person and the spirit guide that represents him or her. A more thorough investigation is needed to make any decisive conclusions. A hypothesis would be that all humans have spirit animals which Sentinels can see. Alternatively only humans directly associated with the Sentinel world, like Sentinels themselves, their Guides and maybe chiefs and medicine men, have spirit animals which show themselves to Sentinels. I must test these theories. </p><p>Date: 16<sup>th</sup> May</p><p>I have not come far with the hypothesis’ concerning Jim’s healing skills. However, I might have a breakthrough in another area.</p><p>Not only can Jim sense and see ghosts, he can talk to them…or at least he is able to understand their intentions.</p><p>This opens up a whole new world of possibilities. Jim’s abilities being real and provable, then it stands to reason that ghosts or spirits are real as well. However, to include a study of the spiritual side of humanity will be far too wide a scope for my thesis. I’ll mention it in passing only.</p><p>Date: 04<sup>th</sup> June</p><p>I have decided to take my focus to the closed police society. I’m in the environment and it’s the lie we tell everyone. Might as well act on it. And it’ll mean I’ll need to stick with Jim for a while longer.</p><p>This step is past due, I know. Though Sentinels are my passion, what more proof and passion do I need than what I’ve got? It’s not worth risking Jim’s safety for, nor me losing the doctorate title I’ve worked so hard and long for.</p><p>Date: 17<sup>th</sup> April</p><p>Over a year since I decided to change topics I have finally turned my dissertation in: ‘Sub cultures in the Cascade Police Department – a cultural, social and psychological study’.</p><p>I feel relieved and sad at the same time.</p><p>I guess there’s no need to keep this journal any longer. No need for Jim to keep me around. As a friend, yeah, sure…but why would he want me to keep living with him?</p><p>Personal note: Damn. This is should be a great moment in my life and all I can think of is that I’m going to lose Jim. It’s hard enough to see him every day, knowing I can't touch him as I want to, be with him as I wish to…but I’d rather have him every day, off limits but still there, than not have him with me at all.</p><p>Every day I feel the need to be with him grow stronger and stronger. I smile like a lovestuck teenager every time he smiles that brilliant smile at me. I long to feel his touch and dream of being in his arms. I admire his body when I hope he’s not looking and get jealous if he smiles at others. No amount of female lovers has been able to erase the love I feel inside.</p><p>God, I have it bad. Why did I have to go and fall in love with him? I should have kept that professional distance. Kept it professional all the way. Not a friendship and certainly not this. He should have remained subject 56…he should never have become Jim. Never alive…never a person with feelings and actions but a subject to study…someone I could dissect and analyse, seeing all his actions only through academic lenses. It shouldn’t have mattered how he looked, how he saved me and protected me time and again…how he smiled at me and cared for me in ways no one ever has. How he made me feel warm, safe and finally at home.</p><p>Yet it was worth it…for the moments we have shared…it was worth it. No matter what might happen, at least I’ll have these memories, bittersweet as they may become.</p><p>Date: 12<sup>th</sup> May</p><p>Congratulations on your Ph.D., Chief….</p><p>Love you too</p><p>*                                         *                                          *</p><p>Blair couldn’t believe his eyes when he read the entry written on the last page of the journal; apparently Jim had wanted to give him the greeting as a way to express his pride in Blair's achievement. Yet now, the day after he had received his degree, when he had begun to pack his Sentinel research away, wanting to put it a safe place, sentimentality had made him open the journal and the words jumped out at him. The two lines were written in a different style but by the same hand. The top one strong and elegant…the lower one soft - almost like a caress. Jim must have read the last entry and taken the first step to reveal his own feelings.</p><p>“I meant it,” Jim’s voice sounded from the door to his room, and Blair looked up at him, tears of joy in his eyes, feeling overwhelmed by what he had just discovered. All these years he had thought he had suffered alone, in silence. Now he knew that, as always, Jim had been with him all the way; he had just been too blind to see it.</p><p>“Jim!” he yelled, and literally ran into his embrace. Jim caught him easily, laughing happily, his blue eyes sparkling. “I can’t believe…I never thought…” He was babbling, he knew, but he couldn’t stop himself. Too many wonderful emotions were running through him for him to catch hold of any one of them…or speak a real sentence for that matter.</p><p>“You talk too much,” Jim mumbled before he bent down and claimed Blair's lips. Blair tightened his hold around the larger man’s neck and deepened the kiss, smiling widely when he finally broke apart for air. He briefly wondering if this was a dream; surely this was too good to be true. If it was, he didn’t want to wake. Ever.</p><p>“Love you,” Blair mumbled, just needing to say the words he had held back for so long.</p><p>“Love you too, Chief. Have for years,” Jim replied softly and Blair knew everything wouldn’t just be all right – it would be perfect.</p><p>
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    <em>The End </em>
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